[SpA]ProtectMyBalls wrote:
moist wins! cheers for voting
Oh! Wow! Well, what can I say? It's been a long fight, and it's been a hard fight, but I never questioned my conviction or my drive! When Balls first announced that he needed a name for his knife, I knew I had to step up to the plate, and give it my all. I knew I had to deliver not only for a team mate, but for a friend as well. But through the course of this campaign, I realised that it wasn't just for the individual. It was for all the people of Special Attack, who put their belief in me! Who stood up and said 'McMoist KNOWS how to name a knife. And name a knife GOOD!' Without your unending support, and votes, I wouldn't be standing here today. I wouldn't be appointed this position, and I wouldn't have the utmost honour of maybe naming some other TF2 items in the future!
Before I go any further though, allow me to offer my sincere condolences to Scatterbrain, Good Enough and the other guy who put forward an inferior name. It was a close race and it really could have gone any way. Well, not really, but I'm trying to be a gracious winner here. And although some may argue that my extra poll thread may have employed the use of 'unofficial' or even 'illegal' votes, since I won outright in this thread, we can all just forget that, that even happened!
Now, the next four years will be an incredible uphill struggle for Special Attack. Under my leadership (of naming TF2 items) I plan on stringent budget cutbacks and massive overspending on shit we don't need. For example, I believe a new server should be erected in the data centre, used entirely to run my new action adventure title 'Much A McMoist About Nothing'. Although this is a single player only adventure, it must be played online to ensure that only official copies are being sold. Piracy is a blight on the hearts and souls of our unborn babies. As a thank you to all my loyal voters though, they will receive a free copy of 'Much A McMoist About Nothing'. Monthly fee's for the compulsory DLC will still be required though, and so credit card details will have to be divulged with our friendly operators before the copy will be mailed out. We also ask that shipping is picked up by you, but it's barely anything at all at only $25.63. Oh, and if you lose your copy of 'Much A McMoist About Nothing' then you will have to pay full retail of £67.43 to replace it. Replacement copies are also compulsory.
Now, obviously a new server in the data centre requires some more donations, and so loyal members will be asked to up the monthly donations by around 5000%. 'Much A McMoist About Nothing' is expected to be a major hit at launch, and so the server load will be massive in order to accommodate the billions of fans playing it around the World. Our proprietary software must pause the game for up to 20 minutes in order to do checks to make sure that the game has not been pirated in any way shape or form. To ensure customer satisfaction though, customers can buy a second copy of 'Much A McMoist About Nothing' that will automatically kick in and pick up play while the other is being checked for piracy. Fortunately, for just such an occasion we are offering a 'Much A McMoist About Nothing' double pack that will retail at the lower price of $770. This pack will be compulsory for SpA members who lose their free copy of 'Much A McMoist About Nothing'. If you buy before the 14th of March, 2013, it comes in a limited edition brown cartridge.
Now I hear what you're probably saying; 'Wow McMoist, that all sounds fantastic, but there must be drawbacks'.
And you'd be right! There are many drawbacks. Due to 'Much A McMoist About Nothing' running on ludicrous, indecipherable code, we here at Special Attack have had to invent a whole new operating system. And that operating system is; Golden Brau 3.1.
This... frankly, mind boggling mess of a thing will absolutely torch your PC and more than likely drive you to suicide. And when I say torch, I'm talking literally here. This operating system will turn your PC into a towering inferno in your own home. And if you don't back the fuck away from it, you'll lose more than your eyebrows.
For the 20 minutes before this happens though, Golden Brau 3.1 offers a seamless, efficient experience that only runs 'Much A McMoist About Nothing'. And Minecraft.
Golden Brau 3.1 will retail at the astonishingly low price of 432,000 Romanian Bahn, and comes complete with a 213,000,000 page manual by the literary master himself, Lim-Dul. It would be less, but about every 17 chapters of so, Howard or Greasy interrupt to start an argument over some entirely trivial matter. Don't worry about reading the entire manual however, just thumb through the contents to find the page that maps out the instructions for stopping, dropping and rolling.
For those with pulpuslaceratapohobia however, the online manual is readily available for anybody who isn't running Golden Brau 3.1. We haven't invented an internet browser for it yet!
Now, you're probably wondering why I haven't said anything about constructing a massive, scale replica of the board game Screwball Scramble for the next SpA meet. And I can understand the urgency in ensuring that it will in fact be in play. I've been on the phone to the contractors all week, and they're coming back and hitting me with some health and safety bullshit, saying they can't build it cause it's essentially a health and safety nightmare. They're out here, talking to me about gigantic steel balls and electro magnets. I said to them, why the fuck do we even need electro magnets? And they're telling me that a ball bearing that weighs over a ton and is the size of a Vauxhall Corsa couldn't be picked up by conventional magnets. So now I'm going nuts, and telling them to install electro magnets then, but they're telling me that it's too much of a risk. If the magnets failed then the steel ball could get loose and kill somebody. I tell THEM that people who want a giant scale replica of Screwball Scramble DON'T want to live anymore! They want to get up on the board and feel the terror of that big steel death bringer rolling at them! That's what WE dreamed about on the last day of school, when we'd play Screwball Scramble! We'd all gather round and scream;
I want to DIE ON THE BATTLEFIELD THAT IS SCREWBALL SCRAMBLE!!! I WANT TO FALL UNDER THE REFLECTIVE SPHERE OF DEATH!!!!
Cause when you were 9. And it was five days till Christmas. That was truly an honourable death.
So the contractors are hitting me with red tape, and frankly, I just dunno if it's gonna happen anymore. I know there will be a lot of disappointed people here but, worst comes to worst, we build a big Mousetrap board.
Next order of business, the proposed SpA canal from Cambodia to Budapest will soon be under way. We just have to clear it with the Governments of... Well, pretty much every country along the route. We're 100% confident though that we'll get their full blessing, and in preparation, we've already send Goudvis and Futari out to start digging it up. You've probably noticed their absence over the past 211 days.
Digging canals is a lot of work though, and to be perfectly honest... We don't even know if they're still alive... The progress reports stopped coming in about... 210 days ago. At first we just assumed they were really, really busy but... Now we think they might be dead. Anywho. Due to the proposed costs of the canal being well into the millions, donations per month are expected to go up about 300,000,000 %. These are compulsory. Failure to pay donations will result in us sending you to Cambodia to work on the canal.
Anyway, I feel like I've covered enough for... Um, half three in the morning. I hope somebody was taking minutes cause, I won't remember any of this...