I am the guy who tells the cripple ahead of him in line to hurry up. I am first to get to the window to see the car accident outside. I am the stranger your parents warned you not to talk to. I am the one who wrote your number on the mall's bathroom wall. I am a failing student who makes passes at his young, attractive English teacher. I am the guy loitering on Park Ave, the one that's always trying to sell you something. I am the one who first introduced you to Goatse. I am a hot incest dream that you'll try to forget for days. I am the only one of your group of friends to be secure in his sexuality and say anything. I am the guy without ED who still likes trying Viagra. I am that bat-shit crazy old man who sits on his porch and threatens to shoots the children that step on his lawn. I am the best friend that tags along for your first date and cock-blocks throughout the night. The decent girl you're trying to bag walks out on the date. I laugh and take you home when you're drunk, and you wake up to several hookers in your house who I called for you. I am the guy who buys those mini binoculars at a sophisticated play and uses them to stare at the actresses boobs. I am he 10 second delay in which you contemplate walking back into the room you just accidentally saw your friends naked mom in, and asking her if you could be of assistance. I am your penis that betrays you when he turns into a raging hard on, right as you are called to stand up in front of the class. I am the guy who calls a suicide hotline to hit on the adviser. I am the strung out drunk guy dancing and playing air guitar alone to the music at an outdoor concert. I am the only one who understands what the hell you are saying. I am the homeless person at the bus stop who wraps his arm around you and starts a conversation. I am still recovering in the hospital after trying something he saw in a hentai. I am the guy that puts an "I love dead babies" banner on the side of his car and drives past the protesters outside of clinics. I am the friend who makes a Tupac joke when my friend's father got shot in the eye, and laughs at the joke. I am the attractive girl you met over the internet that makes you want to fap, until I send you nude pictures, to your dismay. I am wonderful.