WORDS OF WISDOM FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE

“Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.” (Sharon Stone).

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” (Courtney Cox-Arquette).

“I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more interested by the 23% who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.” (Jerry Garcia).

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” (Barbara Bush).

“Ah, yes, divorce. From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” (Robin Williams).

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” (Billy Crystal).

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” (Rod Stewart).

“On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.” (Bruce Willis - on the difference between men and women).

“And God said, ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.” (George Burns).

“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an aeroplane: either you have diarrhoea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.” (Henry Kissinger).

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.” (Steve Jobs - founder of Apple Computers).

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?’ (Arnold Schwarzenegger).

“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum.’” (Patricia Arquette)

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White Shark or a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” (Axel Rose - Guns’n’Roses).

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” (Jack Nicholson).

“Woman complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” (Roseanne).

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas men are just grateful.” (Robert De Niro).

“Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” (Dustin Hoffman).

“When the sun comes up, I have morals again.” (Elizabeth Taylor).

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” (Robin Williams).

Nice find! ^^

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War does not determine who is right - only who is left. - Bertrand Russell

13 Things PMS stands for:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My SweatpantS
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

THE HORMONE WARNING:

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's licence in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.

MORE GREAT ONE LINERS

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

You can’t have everything … where would you put it all?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

McCain supporter: "I don't trust Obama... He's an Arab."
McCain: "No, ma'am, he's a decent, family man, a citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with."

EDIT: Ah, fuck. Sort of missed the point of the thread.

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slurper

Awesome one liners Greasy_greabo.

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Ze Ãœbermensch