OK, I did want to blog this but I couldn't figure out how to do it so I'll just post it here. Anyway, this is a story. A work in progress that I did as a little request for Mari (Cirque) I did want to finish it but it's late and I want to get to bed. So I'll post it up here now and then continue when I can be arsed to. Anyway, have a read and like I said, Mari asked for this. So she's the sick one. Not me
_________________________
I parked up. My handbrake clunked excruciatingly into place as I forced it into lock. My old set of wheels had certainly seen better days but that was a different concern for a different time. I leant forward in my seat and peered out under the frame of the window. There it was, shouting itself out to the world in big yellow letters;
IKEA.
I’d heard a lot about the place, and seen some of their products. Either on the Internet or through flicking through brochures at a friends house. This was my first visit though and I could feel it, mostly from my heart pounding away in my chest. I took a deep breath. I really had to pull my shit together. I quickly pulled the keys out of the ignition and stepped out of the car. The sound of the car door slamming shut was just as painful as the handbrake.
I strode across the car park trying to seem as confident as I could. I was quite stunned by the scale of the place. I swear I’d been to Airports that were smaller than this building. People exited with flat pack furniture and other assorted boxes piled high on Heavy Duty Trolleys. It all looked very desirable but it wasn’t what I was here for. I approached the automatic doors, and I could feel a little sweat gathering on my brow. Relax man, you’re just an average IKEA shopper come to buy some dubiously made Swedish furniture. Compose yourself a little. As I passed through the doors, the smell from the food court upstairs instantly wafted past my nostrils. It didn’t smell half bad, but I had no time for edibles now. My eyes glanced instantly to a floor map of the building, almost as if it was instinctual. Damn. They had a massive lighting section in this place. Suddenly, the hairs on my neck stood up. Compose yourself! I quickly made off in the direction of said section.
_________________________
I stood aghast at the doorway leading into the lighting section. Before me lay an absolute treasure trove of every lamp I could imagine. Desk Lamps, Floor Lamps, Bedside Lamps, Table Lamps, Ceiling Lamps and Paraffin Lamps. OK, maybe not Paraffin Lamps but all the rest of them yeah. They were all here, presented in awe inspiringly unoriginal but still boner inducing designs. It was taking every fibre of my being not to lunge forward and just start tonguing them all. I held it together though. I walked forward a few paces and outstretched my left arm. Just in front of me was a Lamp made out of Coloured Glass. It had been formed into a sort of Spherical encasement for the bulb. It was beautiful. As my fingers touched the cold glass shell a shudder of excitement passed up my spine. I let out a little cry. It was barely audible so I don’t think anybody heard.
I imagined what the Glass would feel like just after the Lamp was turned on. Heat would gradually disperse and I would feel it under my fingertips. Threatening to hurt me if I held on too long but begging me to stay! My bad little Glass Sphere Lamp, my dirty little…
I looked around. A few fellow patrons had wandered into the section, so I composed myself. Straightened myself up and took my hand off the Gorgeous little Lamp. A few quick glances around convinced me I had not been rumbled. When I was ‘excited’ it was easy for me to forget my surroundings, and had led to a few problems in the past. Namely in large chain Hardware stores. I didn’t want to ruin this. This place was exquisite. An Illumination Heaven on Earth. I could feel a smile spread across my lips as I ran my hand along a Porcelain lamp. It had a Metal plate on the top of it that when touched, would turn the lamp on. I pressed it ever so gently and the bulb lit up before my eyes. I almost wanted to grab it and hold my hand there until it punished me for it. Punished me like the bad boy that I was!
That was not the appropriate decorum for an IKEA shopper however. It was getting difficult for me though. All these lamps, I just wanted to let myself go. Restraint had to be shown though so I reluctantly flicked the lamp back off. Don’t want any kids burning their hands. Might end up a freak like me!
I chuckled away to myself as I walked down the aisle, my hands exploring every lamp they could as I went. I acknowledged that my facial expression might give me away so I was careful to remain outwardly nonchalant. Maybe if I wore a pair of shades they’d just think I was blind. Then I could lunge and bend myself over all the lamps and they’d just think something along the lines of ‘That poor man’.
Then as I turned the corner I saw it. A large freestanding floor lamp, covered in what looked like Paper. I bit my lip as I walked slowly toward it. It was divine. I pushed past somebody as I outstretched my arm to caress its fragile skin. It was paper. I let out a groan. This time it was definitely audible. I turned quickly to meet the questioning face of a passing man.
‘These prices eh?’ I said, trying to cover my perverted tracks.
How much was it anyway? I looked down at the little plastic plaque accompanying the lamp. The Orgel Vreten floor lamp. £34.99. Really? Oh God! That was so deliciously affordable. This lamp is a cheap whore!
No, I mustn’t think like that. It’s just a lamp. Just a sexy, majestic lamp. Just a dirty tease, standing there giving off… light. In a really tantalising way, drawing me in. Like the Siren’s song beckoning horny Sailors to their demise on the rocks. I ran my hands up the Paper decoration on the outside of the Lamp. It crumpled in a most satisfying way. I opened my mouth, I didn’t want to but I couldn’t resist, and softly placed my tongue on the exterior of the lamp. She wanted it, the Orgel Vreten wanted it, and she didn’t care who knew it. This was going to happen. Right here in the lighting section in front of all the other customers, all these other Lamps and any staff who cared to glance over in our general direction. We were hot for each other. The Orgel in particular as she was slightly burning my face. Regardless I pulled her into me for a full embrace, my tongue ripping through her tender Paper face.
‘Excuse me Sir!’ A voice bellowed behind me, instantly jarring me out of my love trance.
I turned, struggling to focus from the stars left behind from the bulb inside the lamp. As my vision cleared I was able to make out the IKEA Security Staff Uniform. Oh these old familiar places.
‘Um…. Yes?’ I replied rather pathetically.
‘Can I ask what you’re doing?’ The Security man asked, shifting from foot to foot as if he was about to truncheon me in the side of the head. If he carried a truncheon that is, as I’m not exactly sure if he did.
As my vision cleared and returned to normal I was able to get a proper look at the Security Guard. Admittedly for a Protector of the Goods, he hardly seemed built for the task. He was slightly taller than me granted, but he was a fairly weedy looking sort. Still, he’d caught me tonguing a Lamp until it burst open, so I really should accept defeat. I couldn’t argue my innocence no matter how good an argument it was.
‘I’m just doing some browsing. I’ve never been in here before but I must admit I’m rather impressed by the selection’ I said, staring into the Guards rather bemused and pissed off face.
‘Can I ask what you were doing with that lamp!?’ He asked, his voice getting progressively louder with every second vowel.
‘Oh you mean the Orgel Vreten?’ I queried.
‘What? Yes… Yes that Lamp. What do you think you’re doing with it?’ He continued to interrogate me. I looked around to notice a small crowd gathering. I felt my face redden and burn a little, although admittedly the Lamp may just have given me very minor sunburn.
‘I’ll pay for any damages’ I said, trying to squirm out the situation now. And regardless, I wanted to get this bad girl home to continue our little foray into the exciting new world of Paper on Flesh action.
‘That’s not the point Sir. You can’t come into the store and damage store property!’
‘Damage?’
‘Yes damage. You can’t come in and make holes in the lamps’ He cried, pointing over at the Orgel Vreten.
‘Well, I made a hole and that was kind of an accident anyway, see I was….’ I said, starting to feel a little flustered from all the attention we were amassing.
‘No Sir, you made more than one’
I turned to look at the tongue hole I had made in the Lamp. I then dropped my glance downward and was instantly struck with a feeling of horror. I had clearly become a little more excited than I initially thought. I started to sweat, and all around came the unmistakeable murmurs and mocking laughter of the crowd, echoing inside my head. I turned to meet the Security Guards angry glare. He wasn’t laughing.
‘I broke her hymen’ I blurted out. Really not the best thing to say in the situation.
‘What!!??’ The Guard replied aghast. Any trace of Professional decorum was now gone.
I stepped back. The onlookers were no longer stifling their laughter and I must admit, I was starting to feel very anxious indeed. Sweat beads ran down my face and I was having a hard time keeping myself together. The Security Guard followed my step back, which didn’t help matters at all. Feeling suddenly very cornered I backed away again. And again he followed. He was talking but all I could hear was laughter and the sound of my own voice questioning why I was ever even born in the first place. I could tell from the Guards body language however, that he wasn’t planning on letting me make a run for it, as we seemed to be locked in the slowest dance of all time. He made a move to grab me, I panicked and before I knew what I was doing, I smashed him over the head with an ornate little Table Lamp with a Glass Base. He fights for his balance for a moment then slumps to the ground. The gawking morons looking on aren’t laughing anymore.
_________________________
My legs pump furiously as I bound through the store. I’m trapped in a maze of soft furnishings and random crap that people actually think looks good in their homes. I feel like I’ve passed the same Fluffy Stuffed Snake Draught Excluders about five times now. Where the FUCK is the exit in this monstrosity of a building!?
I come to a halt, my heart beating hard in my chest, and sweat keeping my shirt stuck to my back. I hunch over for a second then straighten myself back up, glancing quickly back down the corridor to see if I’m being followed. Nobody there but a few dough eyed goons purveying all the junk on display. I mean honestly, a candleholder made out of wood that surrounds the candle like a little house or something. Even if you keep that outside in the garden, it’s still asking for trouble. I needed to find a way out of here quickly. They’d probably already phoned the Police and having relations with a lamp was bad enough without adding Grievous Bodily Harm on top of that. I looked around feverishly. There must be some indication of where the exit was. When suddenly I felt something. It was faint but there was definitely something there. A very slight draught cooling the side of my face, calling me to freedom. I turned on my heel quickly and made off in its direction.
Its source was not what I was expecting though. I turned a corner and was greeted by the sight of a giant warehouse. It wasn’t for Staff only however as customers were wheeling their trolleys in and out of the place and pulling flat pack Furniture boxes off of the shelves. Just how big was this place? I was about to turn back when I caught sight of it out of the corner of my eye. An EXIT sign. I felt a sudden feeling of elation and relief as the arrow pointed into the Warehouse. I hit a quick stride and followed its directions. I would soon be back in my car and free of this nightmare. Well… Until the Police looked at the CCTV footage of me brutalising the Security Guard, tracked me down at my home, and consequently arrested me. Until that happens though, I would be free of this nightmare.
It was not to be however. Just as I make my way down one the aisles separating the colossal shelves I am suddenly grabbed from behind. I put up a struggle no doubt, but whoever is holding on to me is strong and suddenly a cloth is put over my mouth and nose. I breath in the fumes against my will. My vision becomes hazy and my body quickly loses all its strength until eventually…
…Darkness.
_________________________
Login
FAQ
Search
nice one!
