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As you all know, L4D2 will be coming out on the 17th of this month. And I'm pretty excited about that to be honest. So, to quench my thirst for Zombie bloodshed and flex my creative bone a wee bit, I thought I'd write some Zombie fiction with some of my super sexy mates in it. And Lim-Dul.
If anybody fancies some more, just tell me, and I'll continue it. Anyway, here you go.
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Four men stand on the roof of an apartment block in a dark, deserted city. Their names are Lim-Dul, Bucky, Greasy and Cherry Red. They are the Survivors of ‘Zombocalypse WOW’
‘Where the hell are the guns!?’ Lim-Dul shouts, his voice piercing the night air.
‘What guns?’ Bucky asks, toking generously on a spliff.
‘There are supposed to be guns here! Some bastards have actually taken our guns!’ He replies, pacing back and forth.
‘Well that’s rude. I mean, what kind of callous people would just steal guns, that were left on the roof of an abandoned building, and in the middle of a Zombie Apocalypse no less. What is this world coming to Lim?’ Greasy says, with liberal helpings of sarcasm.
‘Oh shut the hell up!’ Lim shouts.
‘No’ Greasy replies.
‘We have no hope of reaching the Hospital now… Those guns were our only hope of defending ourselves against the horde…’ Lim says, leaning his back against the wall.
‘Ah, don’t be so defeatist Lim-Dul. I’m sure we can come up with a solution’ Cherry says, trying to boost morale. ‘Let’s get out of the open, and we can think about what we’re going to do’
Lim-Dul nods and heads towards the entrance into the building, followed by the other Survivors. They descend a flight of stairs that lead into a dark apartment. Having a look around to make sure they’re alone, they enter.
‘Ooh a couch. I’ve been looking for one of these for ages’ Cherry perks up, sitting himself down.
‘Our troubles are over, we found a couch’ Lim-Dul quips.
‘I’m gonna get something to eat fokkers. Anybody else hungry?’ Bucky asks, opening the fridge in the kitchenette.
‘Not for me Bucky’ Cherry replies.
‘Nor me. What you even going to eat at a time like this?’ Lim asks.
‘I don’t know yet man, I’m lookin’. Does Greasy want anything? Where is he? Bucky asks, opening a cupboard.
Lim-Dul turns to see Greasy in the bathroom. He appears to be raiding the medicine cabinet.
‘What are you doing man?’ He asks.
Greasy walks out of the bathroom, popping pills into his mouth.
‘Pills here’ He says, throwing one up in the air and catching it in his mouth.
‘Jesus Greasy, you can’t just go around eating prescription medication. Do you even read the label?’ Lim-Dul asks, taking the pill bottle off of Greasy and reading the label. ‘These are birth control pills, are you concerned that the Zombies are going to get you pregnant?’
‘This would be a pretty terrible time to bring a child into the world’ Cherry says.
‘Yes, especially considering the whole end of the world thing that’s presently going on’ Lim says throwing the pill bottle on the floor. ‘Can we stop getting distracted… We need a plan to get to Mercy Hospital. Can anybody think of anything?’
‘Shit!’ Bucky shouts from the kitchenette.
‘What is it?’ Cherry asks, lifting himself to see over the counter.
‘No electricity in this place man! I was gonna have a cheese toastie but the powers out!’
‘Is that more pressing than not dying?’ Lim asks, getting frustrated.
‘Ah, don’t be a dick Lim, he just wants a cheese toastie’ Cherry says relaxing back into the couch.
‘We are all going to DIE here! Zombies will eat our fucking flesh! Cheese toasties are not any of my concern! Eat it as it is Bucky, have a bloody cheese sandwich!’ Lim screams, flailing his arms about all the while.
‘Fuck that man. I want a cheese toastie’ Bucky replies, unplugging the toastie maker from the wall and bundling it under his arm.
‘What are you doing?’ Lim asks.
‘I want this cheese toastie. There’s lights on in that hospital, which means there’s power. So I’m bringing this with us’ Bucky smiles, tapping the toastie maker.
‘Ha! Well it’ll be a long wait since we don’t have a snowballs chance in hell of ever making it there!’ Lim shouts. ‘Fuck it! We’re just postponing the inevitable. Let’s all go out and get murdered. Wait, where’s Greasy?’
Greasy walks back out of the bathroom popping more pills into his mouth.
‘What the…’ Lim-Dul immediately grabs the pill bottle off of Greasy and reads the label. ‘This is Cat Ear Medicine!’
Downstairs, the four are looking out of the back exit of the Apartment into an ominous looking alleyway.
‘All I’m saying is, why don’t we just drive to Mercy?’ Greasy asks, edging out to get a better look.
‘Yeah. There’s a Humvee smashed through the front of this building. Could see if that works’ Bucky suggests, lighting up another spliff.
‘Come on Bucky! Do you have to keep smoking weed? It’s not exactly sharpening your senses!’ Lim scolds.
‘Fuck it. If I’m going out, I’m going out stoned. Hee hee’ Bucky laughs.
‘What is that?’ Cherry asks, narrowing his eyes to get a better look at something.
The four try to get a better look. In the adjacent room, through a massive hole in the wall, something shiny seems to be glinting in the little light there is. Greasy walks over to investigate.
‘It’s a gun! A pistol!’ He laughs, picking it up off the floor.
The four seem to let out a collective sigh of relief as Greasy brings the gun over.
‘I’d better take it’ Lim-Dul says.
‘What? Why do you get to take it?’ Greasy asks.
‘I’m the most capable’ He replies.
‘Says who?’ Cherry asks.
‘Well Bucky’s been smoking weed all day. Greasy’s all hopped up on Birth Control Pills and Cat Ear Medicine and…’
‘And what?’ Cherry asks, glaring at Lim-Dul.
‘I’m a better shot’ Lim replies, looking a little uneasy.
‘Oh and what are you basing that on? All those times we went shooting together? I only met you yesterday and none of us have even so much as held a gun’
‘I’m still taking it’ Lim says, as Greasy passes him the firearm.
‘Don’t shoot yourself with that. And by don’t, I mean do’ Cherry says.
‘Very funny. I’ll take point since, obviously, I have the gun’ Lim informs them.
‘Take point? This isn’t the Army Lim-Dul. We’re not all soldiers. Are you a Soldier Bucky?’ Greasy asks.
‘Nope. But I have watched a lot of War films. Platoon. Full Metal Jacket. Forrest Gump’ He replies.
‘I don’t think Forrest Gump is a War film mate’ Cherry says.
‘It’s got some war in it though’ Bucky says, toking on his spliff.
‘Come on guys. Let’s get out of here. It’s do or die time’ Lim says moving slowly out the door.
‘I think it might be die or die time’ Greasy quips, following on.
The boys walk through the alley cautiously, checking around themselves to make sure no Zombies are around.
‘Christ, this is creepy’ Cherry says, looking at the roofs of the buildings.
‘Relax. G.I. Jan has the gun. We’re in safe hands’ Greasy says. ‘I could use some pills with actual medicinal properties though’
‘Jees, what is it with you and pills? I know times are tough and everything, but it seems kinda retarded to just go around necking random pills. It’s lucky we’re going to the Hospital cause by the time we get there, we’ll need to pump your stomach’ Lim says, turning his head only slightly to look back at Greasy.
‘And get him an abortion’ Cherry says. ‘Are you Pro-Choice Greasy?’
‘No. I believe every half Human, half Zombie undead freak baby deserves a shot at life’ He replies.
‘Touching sentiment. Now be quiet, we’re coming to the end of the alley. There’s bound to be Zombies out there’ Lim says, putting his hand up to stop the men.
‘You know, I’ve just had a thought Lim. That gun can hold a maximum of 15 bullets. And you don’t have any other clips do you?’ Cherry asks.
‘No’ He replies.
’15 bullets for 1500 Zombies. My Math might be a tad rusty, since, y’know, I left school years ago but, I do believe we’re still completely fucked’ Greasy says, looking back down the alley.
‘Jees, we’d be better off using the bullets on ourselves. Just get this over with on our own terms’ Cherry says, putting his hands on his hips.
‘Now who’s being defeatist?’ Lim asks, edging towards the street. ‘We have to fight. If we don’t get to that Hospital, we can at least die trying’
‘Y’know, if somebody had told me 2 weeks ago that I was immune to becoming an undead monster, I might have thought that was a good thing. Not anymore’ Cherry says.
‘Well I’m not going to die here like that. I’m going to that Hospital. I want my Cheese Toastie’ Bucky smiles, walking towards the street.
‘And alarmingly. Alarmingly. I want to get there cause I want to consume some pills. Should I be worried about that? Maybe. Should I be worried about the cold sweat and the nausea? Probably. But it is the end of the world so, what’s a little addiction between friends?’ Greasy asks, following Bucky out into the street.
‘We can put up a fight and not give in. Or we can die like dogs’ Lim says. ‘But every dog has it’s day. And this one is mine. So you can stay here, or you can help us Survive. What’s it to be?’ Lim asks, cocking the barrel of the pistol.
‘Heh. I guess I’m going to try to survive then’ Cherry smiles.
The two follow their companions out into the street.
‘Every dog has it’s day? That was bloody clichéd man’ Cherry says.
‘It worked though didn’t it?’
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Also new episodes of Futurama suck, same with the Simpsons. 
